bulletin to self

HOLY SHIT I'M 28 YEARS OLD WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING WITH MYSELF

Some speech some guy made a hundred and fifty years ago

I decided to rewrite the Gettysburg Address to see if it was any good without the fancy language:

87 years ago, a bunch of guys made a new country on this land. They thought that independence was a good idea and that people were all basically the same.

Now there’s a bunch of people fighting because not everyone agrees with that. Some of them died here so let’s just bury them here.

We can’t make this land sacred, though, because the fighters already did it. Even if everyone forgets what we say here, they’ll see all the tombs and remember the big fight. So let’s remember why they fought: a) independence is a good idea worth revisiting, and b) our government that we all contribute to should continue to exist.

A misreading of personal ad cliches.

Why are single girls single? They do not know. They think they are "awesome." I am going to examine this issue by attempting to find a common thread among personal ads. After all, girls who post personal ads are single, and if we can find traits that unite them, then we will have found our answer. My research yields:

Hypothesis no. 1: Girls who are single are not very bright and/or are boring.
Evidence: Girls who are single often claim, in personal ads, to like "the simple things in life." The simple things in life are boring and lack entirely in sophistication. There is little respect for simplicity
Solution: Doing nothing is the simplest thing in life. Doing everything would be the opposite. At the very least, express interest in the complex, show some passion for the complicated and extraordinary.

Hypothesis no. 2: Girls who are single are criminals.
Evidence: Single girls are constantly looking for a partner in crime.
Solution: Give up the life of crime and find interesting, legal things to do. Legal doesn't have to mean boring or simple. In fact, there are many wonderful legal things to do: like dancing or sports or spelunking.

Hypothesis no. 3: Girls who are single are not fun.
Evidence: "Not into games" the ad proudly declares.
Solution: Not into board games? Fun games? Olympic games? Any games? Games are fun. Learn to have some fun; guys like fun girls.

Hypothesis no. 4: Girls who are single are unable to write well.
Evidence: Single girls write ads that claim to like the simple things in life, are looking for a partner in crime, and are not into games. (Also they like long walks on the beach.)
Solution: No clue.

Hey Andy Lint. You're a piece of lint.

Hillary will never escape Clinton. Her biggest political mistake was taking her husband's last name. Take that, feminism!

Sadly, Barack Saddam Hussein Osama Bin Laden's going to lose the general election because of his name, too.

The incorrect mix cd to give a girl you like

1. Morrissey - You’re the one for me, fatty.
2. Radiohead – Creep
3. Mr. T Experience – Even Hitler had a girlfriend
4. Moldy Peaches – Downloading porn with dave-o
5. Faith No More – Naked in front of the computer
6. Cherry Poppin’ Daddies – Here comes the snake
7. Sufjan Stevens – Size too small
8. Selecter – Three minute hero
9. Magnetic Fields – I don’t really love you anymore
10. Squeeze – goodbye girl
11. Mariah Carey – Hero
12. Abba – gimme gimme gimme (a man after midnight)

(there's a narrative here, honestly)

The deflationary pressures of idiotic peers

I caucused yesterday for the first time in my life (New York and Boston, the two places I've voted before, both hold primaries and not caucuses) and it was an interesting experience; you and all the people in your district meet in this big room and it's like this big party, with (mostly) similar political viewpoints, and no punch or pie. I got a good look at my neighbors, and realized I not only knew none of them, I never even paid enough attention while walking around to recognize anyone.

Anyway, I signed in and wrote down Obama. I was pulled by opposing peer pressures: as a young person, I was supposed to vote for Obama, as an Asian person, I was supposed to vote for Clinton. I actually don't have a strong preference either way; I think they'd both be good nominees and I was there to observe the process more than anything else. In the end, I guess I thought the country was broken in a fundamentally cultural way that couldn't be fixed by policy but might be fixed by Obama's secular preaching. Or maybe I just felt a bit more misogynist than I did racist.

But then I went to the big party room, and there's a debate that goes on where the supporters of any candidate could speak for a minute and explain why they thought their candidate was better and try to convince people to change their vote. My god, the Clinton supporters were much more intelligent and articulate. The Obama supporters were idiots. One guy actually said, "In my gut, I just know Obama's the right guy," and people applauded???? I almost spoke up and said, "No one gives a shit about your gut." I had a real sense of anti-peer pressure. Were these my peers? If so, I wanted to reject them. They made me feel stupid. I thought, maybe I am looking at it all wrong because how could the two of us have come to the same conclusion? Is your gut really some oracle?

So I got upset and left without changing my vote. I had some Kentucky Fried Chicken and felt sick the rest of the day.

Times New Romanoff

California was so much fun! I went to a strange wedding, and I ate lots of great food, and I hung out with my friends and family. It reminded me again how things have not gone quite as I'd expected or hoped in Seattle, but that's probably my fault for being Seattle-resistant. So I am shifting strategies. I am going to embrace Seattle more, and I will do so by walking right out there in the rain, unumbrellad and unhooded, and take everything it's got.

Then I will catch a cold, and be bedridden for a week.